Only Your Final Choice Counts
by Emerald 94
Summary: SPOILERS FOR OotP ! ! ! Harry needs to know Snape's worst memory ends . . .


The pensive continued to swirl angrily; his mood followed it. That damn boy didn't know when to stop – he was so like his father it was almost sick. Severus closed his eyes briefly, as if hoping the scene would change upon second glance. No such luck. Harry Potter was probably, at this very moment, sitting dead center of the Gryffindor common room regaling his fellow housemates with the entertaining story of "Snivellus Snape and his graying underpants." For the first time in a lot of years, he was angry enough to kill.  
  
Still shaking, Harry watched the memory play over and over. Growing up, he'd been sure his parents were brilliant and famous. Alone and scared in his dark cupboard, he'd convinced himself that his parents were spies for the Queen and that they died saving the world. What a muggle fantasy. He swallowed back the bile that was rising in the back of his throat. He had no choice; he needed to know the truth.   
  
Footsteps. Snape looked around his office and winced; whoever was on the other side of that door would have no trouble realizing that Hogwart's Potions professor was not himself. A wave of his wand . . . a few well-chosen words. . . the dungeon was back to normal and all outward signs said the potions master was as well. Or at least he was until the door opened.  
  
"Are you learning-impaired, Potter?"  
  
Harry didn't know what to worry about first – sure, he was risking house points for being up and out of his house tower but from the look in Snape's eyes he was risking much more. The anger in his eyes left Harry with no question that this man had once been a Death-Eater. From the depth of the anger, Harry wouldn't be surprised to find out he still was.  
  
"Potter, if I WERE still completely loyal to the Dark Lord, you would NEVER have left my office two hours ago. NOW, correct me if I'm wrong, but did I not tell you I never wanted to see you in this office again? Explain yourself, and then leave."  
  
"I. . . I need to know." Harry paused and swallowed hard "I need the truth, and I think you hate my parents enough to tell me."  
  
For the first time, Severus really looked at the boy standing in front of him. Ignoring all the features that were obviously Potter, there was one fact he'd seemingly overlooked – the boy had Lily's eyes. Worse than that, they were filled with the same haunting pain.  
  
"That, young boy, just proves how little you really do know. I hated your father; your mother I loved."  
  
Loved? Had he really just heard Snape use the word love in a sentence? Harry looked at his professor with a mix of hatred and confusion. A look Snape didn't miss – or expect.  
  
"I blame Dumbledore for this, he's left you in the care of muggles and the founding members of the James Potter fan club – it's no wonder you have no idea who you are, who you could be or where you've come from. This, however, is not a task that should fall on my head. I hardly believe anyone wants me answering your questions."  
  
Harry looked his professor in the eyes. "Professor, I've met my father through Hagrid's eyes, Professor Lupin's, even Sirius. The story's always the same – the problem is, their story doesn't fit with the James Potter I saw this evening."  
  
"Potter, it's late, and I have NO interest in staying up all night strolling down memory lane with you. Go back to your tower and relish the fact that ninety-nine percent of the wizarding world are members of the James Potter fan-club – as for the other one percent, they are all Death-Eaters and they want you dead anyway."  
  
Turning to leave, Harry couldn't let it go. He turned back, risking both life and house points, "You're right, I don't know who I am or where I've come from. The one thing I do know is that just because ninety-nine percent of the wizarding community thinks something is so it doesn't make it true. There is a good portion of the wizarding community that believes Sirius killed a street full of muggles --- that I am a sad boy who seeks attention by claiming to have witnessed the return of Lord Voldemort --- and that you are at best a coward and at worst a Death-Eater. I don't really care about what people think, I'd like to know the truth."  
  
"Damn it, Potter, close the door and sit down. You're as obstinate and irresponsible as your father but you've got your mother's heart and her fearlessness --- God, that's a dangerous combination."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Harry turned to sit only to find the room had changed from Snape's sterile office into an almost cozy sitting room. Taking the seat opposite Harry, Professor Snape didn't bother to smile.  
  
"This little story hour will be according to my rules and my rules only. Until right now, the only other person who knows this story is Dumbledore. Don't feel privileged, I'm not doing this because I like you – in fact, I still think you're a spoiled brat who's had everything handed to him. I look at it this way, I'd rather die quickly at the hand of a monster than suffer through your torturous nagging – YOU should be listed as an unforgivable curse. Just to make sure you understand, if this story leaves this room, I WILL be tortured and killed. Beyond that, almost twenty years of work will be wasted and you will have single-handedly destroyed everything your parents worked for and died for. You can tell no one – not as a joke, not to get back at me the next time I punish you for whatever childish thing you do tomorrow, and not because Rita Skeeter is fishing for a new story. Do you understand me?"  
  
Harry nodded timidly, unable to find his voice.  
  
"So, Potter, you do realize that once you know the truth, you can't go back. It would be like unlearning you're a wizard. Only a muggle would think that truth sets you free – the truth enslaves you to it. What can you do when you learn the truth and don't like it?"  
  
"You mean like knowing that Cedric Diggory died because I wasn't smart enough to be selfish? Or that my blood gave Voldemort the strength he needed to rise again? I'm pretty sure if there is one thing I've learned in five years here, it's that the truth sucks. Somehow I doubt this will be any different."  
  
Snape had a look like he'd just smelled something rotten. "If you have to mention Him, would you please refer to him as the Dark Lord or He Who Must Not Be Named . . ."  
  
Despite almost complete confusion, Harry had to smile. "Are you afraid of Voldemort?"  
  
Watching what little color was left in Snape's face drain out slowly, Harry silently vowed to find a way to use Voldemort's name constantly. Suddenly, Snape's face changed. What looked like fear was replaced by something else, something Harry couldn't recognize.  
  
"I don't fear the Dark Lord – it's much too late for me to fear him. Voldemort draws power from his name. You, more than anyone, should avoid speaking his name. By speaking his name, you bring him into your mind. You don't need to extend him the invitation; he seems to spend more than enough time there uninvited. Potter, you need to understand that not everything I do is designed to torture you, some of it's even for your own good. Now, please decide if you want to hear the truth or if you'd like to continue to live in blissful ignorance. I'd like to go to bed if we're finished."  
  
"Professor, I want the truth."  
  
Severus really looked at the boy sitting across from him. The boy who was an amazing mix of the man he once hated and the woman he once loved. The boy had courage – he was reckless and often foolish, but he had courage.  
  
"Not growing up in the wizarding world, you don't really understand the importance of blood purity to the old families. The idea is older than the dark lord's first rise – a thousand years ago Salazar Slytherin himself was driven by blood purity.  
  
To protect blood purity, marriages were arranged. Old pure-blood families arranged unions to increase power and wealth and to protect the old way. My father, my foolish father, ruined my life before I was born. I'm not truly a pure-blood. Both my parents are magical but my mother – my beautiful, brilliant mother – was a mudblood . . ."  
  
Harry never imagined Severus Snape could look so sad. "I don't think I understand. What does it matter whether your mother was pure-blood or pure muggle? If your father loved her, why should blood mean more than love?"  
  
Severus couldn't help but laugh. "The good ol' Potter creed – Love before Blood – you were raised by muggles and still you sound like your father."  
  
"What does your muggle mother have to do with my father? I don't understand what any of this has to do with who my father really is."  
  
"Everything, ironically. In the memory from the pensive, Lily asked your father what I'd ever done to him. Your father's answer was simply that I exist. Everyone laughed but no one understood. You see, my father married a muggle-born witch out of love. My father's sister married a pure-blood wizard out of duty. Her marriage would protect the ancient Snape bloodline and unite it with another ancient bloodline. My very existence annoyed your father because I was his cousin – my father's sister was your grandmother."  
  
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Harry's heart forgot how to beat. His blood slowly ran cold. How could this be true? Severus Snape, a relative?  
  
"You really didn't know? What did you think Snape was a common last name? It's not, it will die with me. The purity of my bloodline died with your father."  
  
This made no sense. "How could I know? I grew up a muggle, an unloved orphan . . ." Amazingly anger had replaced confusion ". . . I would have given anything for a real relative growing up. You hated my father enough to let me grow up alone?"  
  
Surprised by Harry's reaction, Severus was taken aback. He'd neither expected nor planned for Harry to accept their connection. For a brief moment, he almost felt an emotion. "Potter, you really should borrow one of those books your mud blood friend hordes. You'd love the one called _The Boy Who Lived_. If you'd read it, you'd have already known. Chapter two is all about your grandparents and how they were killed by a Death-Eater."  
  
"Don't call Hermione a mud blood. She's a witch. You said your mother was a muggle witch; don't you have any feelings?"  
  
"Yes, she was – and no, I don't." Realizing just how tired he was, Severus leaned forward. "For once, don't interrupt, just listen. Your father was a pure blood, so are Black, Pettigtrew and even Lupin. Your father hated me, not the other way around at first. I'd never met James Potter until I got on the Hogwarts train that September. All I knew about his was what he looked like. My grandparents had pictures of him all over the manor house."  
  
Standing up, Snape picked up the pensive and placed it on the table between him and Harry. Slowly he extracted a memory and set it to whirl in the stone basin.  
  
"Go ahead, you'll understand better if you can see for yourself. Consider it like those muggle home movies they play on the tele."  
  
Harry looked from the pensive to Snape and then back again.  
  
"What is it? You've already proven you know how to operate a pensive. Or is that it? You'd rather poke around in memories uninvited than when they're put there for you to learn something."  
  
Taking his wand timidly, he began to poke at the silvery mist. Looking in, he could see the inside of a compartment on the Hogwart's Express. At once interested and fearful, Harry took the plunge and landed in the middle of the compartment.  
  
Two boys sat opposite each other obviously enjoying a game of exploding snap. One boy was instantly recognizable, James Potter, in brand-new first year Hogwart's robes.   
  
"Sirius, where'd Peter go for food, Muggle London? It's your turn to go find him – I kept him from getting lost at the station. By now, he's probably accidentally walked off the train."  
  
"Alright, Potter but when we get back, we play a different game – you cheat at snap."  
  
Laughing, Sirius Black stood and left the compartment with a swish of equally new robes. On his way out, he never noticed the pale, dark-haired boy standing in the doorway. James looked up surprised to find someone in his compartment. He was even more surprised to see who it was.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
The boy looked at the floor as he spoke, as if he wasn't worthy of meeting the taller boy's eyes. "I'm . . . I mean . . . I'm . . ."  
  
"I know who you are, Severus. I asked what you want. I see you've got new robes – been begging Grandma and Grandpa for money or did your muggle mom get a job?"  
  
The light went out of the boy's eyes. "They were a gift from my mom's mom. She said muggles get new clothes for their first day at a new school."  
  
James didn't bother to look up. "How nice for you. You still haven't said why you're here."  
  
"I thought it might be nice to -- you know – meet each other, be friends, since it's our first time at Hogwarts."  
  
"Severus, I have friends. I would also appreciate if they didn't find out my mother was related to you. You'll make friends in your house – me and my friends will be in Gryffindor. If you don't mention our common relative, I won't mention to your new friends in Slytherin that your mother's a muggle."   
  
Severus looked wide-eyed at the other boy, "We'll both be in Slytherin, won't we? Snapes are always in Slytherin."  
  
At that statement, James stood up, visibly annoyed. "I AM NOT A SNAPE – I'M A POTTER, and Potters are always in Gryffindor. That hat would never put me in Slytherin."  
  
Suddenly, he felt himself being pulled back. It was almost impossible to believe that could be his father, it seemed more like a Malfoy.  
  
Severus smiled, a slightly dark smile but it was definitely a smile. "It's rather ironic isn't it? You dislike Draco Malfoy for acting just like your father."  
  
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Harry looked at the floor. At least he now understood the utter hatred in Snape's eyes when they looked at each other. What he couldn't understand was his father. How could that spoiled boy grow up to marry his mother? That would be as unlikely as Hermione and Draco becoming a couple. Finally his eyes met his professor's – he had to say something.  
  
"I guess I understand now. I'm sorry I . . ."  
  
Pity. He hated pity. – God, they're Lily's eyes – "You understand nothing, boy. This isn't the end of the story, it's the beginning. Once at Hogwarts your father stopped his Malfoy act –unlike Draco, your father didn't need it. He and his friends were instantly popular. James, Black and the Rat had the world at their fingertips; all they had to do was smile. Soon after that, they had the wolf too. Remus Lupin was just another Gryffindor first year – or so we all thought. No one noticed the strange habits or the disappearances. No one except Black and your father. Soon the three musketeers were four and they were unstoppable. By the end of our first year, your father was popular with students and teachers. He was getting good grades – when he paid any attention in class – and it was all but obvious that he'd be the Gryffindor Seeker come September."  
  
Surprised he cared; Harry looked at the man sitting across from him. How did he get from the shy, scared boy on the train to the hateful shell of a man in front of him?  
  
"What about you? Where were you by the end of your first year?"  
  
"Potter, are you under some impression that we're here to talk about me? You're keeping me up very late and I'm going to have to turn around and look at you and all your little friends first thing in the morning for double potions. You asked about your parents – if you're still interested, I'll continue – if not, we can both go to bed and forget this evening ever took place."  
  
"I didn't mean . . . I mean . . .yes, I want to know more. Continue."  
  
"You should probably know that your father wasn't exactly the monster I've portrayed him as. The first week of December, our second year, I was summoned to Dumbledore's office. It was late and I had no idea why I was being called. I got to the office and found it somewhat dark. Dumbledore excused himself after I came in, claiming he wanted to give the two of us a few minutes. Standing behind me in the shadows was your father. My mother had died earlier in the day, so had the baby girl she'd been trying to give birth to. It wasn't real for just that brief moment. Your father didn't try to make a joke, he didn't even laugh. He just stood there in Dumbledore's office and cried with me – and then he left. Dumbledore came back into the room and James left. He never mentioned that night, even later when . . . he never brought it up."  
  
Again, Harry was surprised. He hadn't expected to hear anything nice about his father. "How can you be sure my dad never mentioned it?"  
  
Snape took a deep breath – all the emotion he'd allow himself to show. That was the first time in a lot of years he'd thought about his mother. "He didn't."  
  
Harry saw a flash of something that looked like pain in his teacher's eyes. It was brief but it was there. He opened his mouth but was interrupted before he had the chance to speak.  
  
"You agreed this little chat was according to my rules. We are not discussing me – we're discussing your parents. We'll need to look at your mother for a little while or you'll never understand how your father ended up marrying someone like Lily. Your mother was a muggle witch, just like Ms. Grainger. . ."  
  
"Just like your mother," interjected Harry.  
  
"We're not talking about me, but yes. When I say she was a witch like Ms. Grainger, I mean more than just her being muggle-born. She was talented. She was bloody brilliant. There was nothing she couldn't do. She made top grades in every class. Beyond that, she could see through James's act. She was thoroughly unimpressed by him. ---- You were busy working to return the Dark Lord to power during your fourth year but for the rest of your class it was a much more difficult time. Traditionally, during a student's fourth year at Hogwarts – when you're not the sainted Harry Potter – students face "the board." The purpose of this board is to help young wizards see what areas they'll need help in before it's too late to improve for the O.W.L's. Wizards who were seriously lacking in one area or another would be assigned a tutor by their professor. Imagine for just a minute, your potions professor assigning Hermione Granger to tutor Draco Malfoy in potions. . . "  
  
Harry looked at Snape like he'd lost his mind. There was no reason to hide his fear or his annoyance, "You can't do that to Hermione. Malfoy hates her . . . "   
  
"Potter, pay attention, it's late and I could be sleeping. There's an irony in the fact that I'm teaching Potions here now. I think it's Dumbledore's one way to really punish me – besides of course being stuck with you for seven years of my life. When I was a student, Potions was my worst subject. I could probably have learned a few things from Longbottom. After facing the board, I found myself facing something much worse – the worst thing imaginable – fourteen hours a week with a Gryffindor mud blood learning potions. That Gryffindor mud blood was your mother, Lily."  
  
"My mother was your Potions tutor? I mean, not saying . . . I guess I'm trying to. . . but. . ."   
  
"Just don't talk; common language seems to be beyond your grasp. Yes, your mother was my potions tutor. She took it completely seriously. I treated her horribly. She ignored every mean, hurtful thing I ever said and just kept drilling me. Do you remember your first day in my potions class?"  
  
Harry didn't smile, "Yeah, I do. You humiliated me in front of the entire room and then took points away from my house because you felt I was cheeky."  
  
Snape smiled, "That wasn't what I was thinking of but yes, that was good too. Do you remember what I said?  
  
"I don't know, maybe, something about potions being more science than wand waving?"  
  
"I start every first year potions class off the same way – You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion making . . . – It's a reminder of who I was and who I became. It's reminds me of your mother."  
  
The surprise on Harry's face was impossible to hide. To think of Professor Snape as being sentimental enough to remember his mother was strange.   
  
"Do you remember your mother?"  
  
"Not really, I have a couple of wizard photos Hagrid gave me and a picture of my mom as a muggle child I got from my aunt Petunia. The only real memory I have is thanks to my exposure to the Dementors. I can close my eyes and watch my mother plead for my life and then die. Other than that, I have no real memory of her."  
  
Severus looked at the boy in front of him. Taking his wand, he extracted another memory and placed it into the pensive. "Your mother would want you to have a happy memory of her."   
  
This time Harry wasn't as timid about looking at the memory. As he poked the swirling silver, he also noticed Snape walking away.  
  
The room was instantly recognizable. The Hogwart's library was slightly dark but it was obviously the library. Sitting at a table in the corner was a girl half hidden behind piles of books. There was a caldron simmering next to her. She looked over at the caldron and then back at her watch.  
  
"You're late."  
  
A quickly recognizable, sallow boy came up to the table obviously not smiling. "You're a mud blood."  
  
Lily Evans ignored the words. "Severus, you're here to learn the subtle science and exact art of Potion-making. This isn't about making friends. Potions have nothing to do with foolish wand waving. It's much more intense than that. There are steps to follow, rules to obey. I don't expect you to really understand the beauty of a softly simmering caldron or the power of liquid you created creeping through someone's veins. It's not glamour magic –it's hard work but what you can accomplish is astounding. I can help you learn to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses but you have to listen to me. I'm sorry you can't see past who my parents are. I can't change that -- there's no potion to make me a pure-blood. Despite the fact that I am a muggle from Little Whinging, I am the best Potions student at Hogwarts. Without me, you will not pass your O.W.L. in Potions."  
  
Severus looked at the red-head sitting at the table. She had the most amazing green eyes. They were amazing but they were sad eyes too. "Teach me what you know, mud blood."  
  
Slowly the scene changed. The inside of the library was replaced by the dimly lit dungeon hallway that connects the potions classrooms with the rest of Hogwarts – a hallway that was mere feet from the spot where Harry was sitting. The only difference was this hallway was twenty years in the past.  
  
Footsteps moved incredibly fast down the Potions hallway. He needed to find her. He wanted her to be the first to know. Severus finally found her in the least used potions classroom (Harry couldn't help but notice it was the same classroom Snape had chosen for his private office) cleaning cauldrons.   
  
"Lily, Lily, are you in here? Come on, Evans, you've gotta be in here."  
  
"Calm down, I'm in here. Severus, what's wrong?"   
  
Snape ran into the deserted classroom and threw his arms around his potions tutor. "I passed! I mean I really passed – the Professor said if today's practice exam had been the real O.W.L.'s I'd have gotten at least an E and maybe even an O."  
  
Lily looked at the dark haired Slytherin who was still hugging her. Not ready to speak, she just pulled out of his embrace and turned away.  
  
"Evans, what's up with you? We've worked for almost a year and a half on my potions skills – I would be facing a dreadful if it weren't for you."  
  
Her green eyes were filled with tears. "Congratulations, you've learned potions and gotten to hug a mud blood – now, go back to your green and silver common room and leave me alone."  
  
"Lily, what's gotten into you?"  
  
"Your friend Malfoy threatened to kill me. He dragged me through the great hall laughing that there's no room for mud bloods in The Dark Lord's land. How long before the line splits completely? There are more Voldemort supporters in Slytherin than in the other three houses combined. You'll join them – I don't know when and I don't know why but you will and there's nothing I can do to stop you because all I'll ever be in your eyes is a filthy little mud blood."  
  
It was at that moment, Severus understood his father. He just wished he was as strong. He reached for Lily and pulled her back towards him. "Lily Evans, you're not the first muggle born witch I've ever hugged. Lily, my mom, she, was a muggle-born. I'm technically not a pure-blood."  
  
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Lily didn't know what to say. She once again pulled out of Severus's embrace – this time, she didn't turn away. "Your mother's muggle born? I don't understand, how can you have a mother who's a muggle and still run around with your Slytherin pals abusing muggle-borne?"  
  
Severus smiled haphazardly, "I guess it helps that my mum's dead. Beyond that, you're the only person at Hogwarts I've ever told about my mother."  
  
Harry came out of the last memory to find his Potions professor looking blankly at the wall. Snape didn't notice Harry's return. He was in his own memories, even with out the help of the pensive.  
  
"Did you love my mother?"  
  
The question surprised Severus. "Potter, I already told you, we're not talking about me. We're talking about your parents."  
  
"We are talking about my parents. What I'm trying to figure out is how my mother ended up married to my father when she was obviously in love with my father's first cousin. A first cousin who is now standing in front of me. As much as you don't want to be a part of this story – you already are. Sirius can tell me about things my father and he did but the stories are his. Even the night he lured you into the whomping willow, his version of the story isn't the same as yours but you were both there. These are your stories – your interpretation of my parents – we have to talk about you."  
  
Severus really looked at the boy for a change. "Potter, think for just a minute. What happens to you if the Dark Lord finds out one of his Death-Eaters is your cousin? As long as the Dark Lord is even a shadow of himself, I can be nothing to you but your potions professor. Anything else puts us both at risk. I should not have told you – I guess I didn't expect you accept it so quickly. I look at you and see your father – I think I've deliberately overlooked your mother in you."  
  
"The way she looked at you, my mother cared about you."  
  
"What you don't seem to understand is that the memory you just saw in the dungeon happened just seven days before the memory that started this whole disaster. One minute I was holding your mother in my arms, the next minute I was calling her a filthy mud blood in front of half the school."  
  
His eyes gave him away. A Death-Eater with a heart. Harry noticed for the first time in his life Snape had feelings. "Why'd you let her walk away? If you'd gone after her, explained that you were just showing off like my dad was. . ."  
  
"While you were getting to know your mother, I was thinking about your dad. In the seven years he and I were together at Hogwarts, and ironically even outside Hogwarts, I NEVER heard your father call anyone a mud blood. Ignoring the fact your father still had me upside-down when Lily walked away, I couldn't go after her."  
  
"You were scared."  
  
Severus looked into the eyes of the woman he once loved – in her son. Eyes that were full of the same kindness and sadness. "I wasn't strong enough to take the risk. After dropping me on my arse, he went after Lily. From that point on, everyone's life started to change. We all left Hogwarts for the summer – I went home for the summer with Malfoy and James and Sirius went back to the Potter homestead. Sirius and James went to the light and I slipped further into the darkness. I watched Lucius join the Death-Eaters and knew I wanted the same amount of power."  
  
"I thought Professor Dumbledore made a rule during Volde. . . the Dark Lord's first rise that no student at Hogwarts was allowed to openly support the dark side. You were only at the end of your fifth year, you couldn't openly join the Death-Eaters until your graduation."  
  
"Lucius Malfoy is two years older than your parents, their friends and me. At the end of our fifth year, Malfoy graduated and committed to the dark side. I wanted the same power – I couldn't have it but wanted it."  
  
Harry tried to suppress a yawn that had nothing to do with boredom and everything to do with it being three o'clock in the morning. "What happened when you all got back to Hogwarts – did you go after my mom?"  
  
"I tried to avoid her completely. Other than seeing her in classes and in meals and in the library and the hallways I stayed away from her. I kept telling myself that the Dark Lord would give me the power I needed. That the last thing I needed in my life was a muggle. The next time I spent any time with your mother was three days before our graduation – four days before my marking. . ." Snape closed his eyes for a moment and relived that night again in his mind before extracting it and adding it to the pensive. "Harry, I guess I need you to understand that if I could change things I'd start with that night. Your mother was a very special woman; I should have listened to her."  
  
The pensive continued to whirl; Harry needed to see how this ended. With no trepidation, he dove into the memory like it held the keys to the universe.  
  
The great hall looked the same. The only difference was the students – these students were old enough to be his parents – two of these students were his parents. Sitting in a group at the Gryffindor table were five of the most important people in Harry's life – his mom and dad, Professor Lupin, Sirius and even Peter. Unconsciously, Harry let his eyes travel to find his potions professor. Snape was sitting obviously alone despite sitting at the middle of the Slytherin table.   
  
Severus stood up and headed for the door. As he left, Lily leaned over to quickly kiss James. She stood up and followed the pale, dark-haired wizard out of the hall and out the front door. It only took minutes for the two seventh year students to be standing alone under the stars.  
  
"Are you following me, Mud blood?" He had to keep his voice level and detached. Anything else and he'd give himself away.  
  
Lily ignored the painful name and forced herself to smile. "Yes, Severus, I am. I'm worried about you."  
  
"Why don't you go back to your boyfriend and come up with a way to save the world from evil like me?"  
  
"I had a better idea; I thought I'd try to save you from the evil in the world. You're going to swear allegiance to Voldemort after we graduate." Lily didn't ask the question, she made a statement. "James and I don't want to see you die for something as foolish . . ."  
  
Severus didn't bother to hide his anger or frustration. "My Dark Lord is not foolish. He's promised me more power than I can imagine. Your precious James doesn't care if I die – in fact, I'd bet your James would love to see me dead – it would be the easiest way for me to protect his secret."  
  
Reaching out, she caught his left forearm in her hand. She hadn't meant for her nails to dig into his flesh but didn't regret it either. "Severus, I know. James told me himself. I know you don't believe it but James does care about you. He's not the same person he was at the end of our fifth year."  
  
"You know nothing about James. You think you know him. I promise you, James Potter has told you just enough to get you into his bed."  
  
"He told me his mother is your father's sister. That he's spent seven years here afraid that someone would find out that he was related to you. That things had gone too far for the two of you to ever be friends." Lily paused for a second, meeting his dark eyes. "I haven't been to his bed, yet."  
  
She was lying. She was a mud blood. Somehow James had set this all up to hurt him one last time.   
  
"I'm not lying. Severus, please talk to James. He'll tell you himself. He'd have come out here after you himself but he didn't think you'd listen. He didn't want to end up in a Wizard's Duel. He knows how I feel about you. He let me come anyway."  
  
"You realize you are nothing more than a toy to the sainted James Potter. He's a pure-blood, he'll never actually marry a mud blood. You're more like an extra-curicular activity for him – something to do while he's at school."  
  
This wasn't something she wanted to talk about. She knew what Snape said wasn't true but it still stung. He was deliberately trying to hurt her. She didn't want to tell him the whole truth – it would only make things worse. She didn't have a choice. "James has asked me to marry him. He said that love means more to him than blood and he doesn't care if his grandparents disinherit him. We intend to wed on the new moon in September. If you insist on joining Voldemort, wait until after? James and I want you at the wedding."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The news hit him like a fist. James was supposed to marry a pureblood – he was supposed to marry Black's cousin, Narcissa after her graduation. James was strong enough to marry for love not duty. Severus looked at the witch standing in front of him. She only made it worse. She was beautiful. She was just one more thing James got that he could never have. "I would NEVER attend your wedding . . .by marrying you, James is destroying my bloodline. He's throwing away a thousand years of power for a tryst with a filthy mud blood. My Lord will never stand for the destruction of TWO of the oldest, strongest bloodlines in the wizarding world."  
  
"Don't challenge us. We have Dumbledore's protection and James starts Auror training after our honeymoon. Severus, please, stay on the winning side."   
  
"I've already picked the winning side . . . You'll pay, mud blood. Mark my words, you'll pay."  
  
Lily didn't bother to hide her tears as she ran back towards the school. Severus watched her leave again torn between absolute hatred and absolute love.  
  
Harry looked up; he was back in the dungeon. Snape's mood had gotten very dark. What possible words could he find to express himself to his teacher? Snape turned to look at the boy in front of him, as if only just realizing he was there. "Don't say anything. There's nothing to say. Your mother and father tried to help me and I threatened to kill them for their trouble. I will regret that night for the rest of my life -- and probably long after that. Regardless of what you may think or what you believe I think, your parents were both very good people. They worked very hard to keep the dark side from winning. Even before you were born, the Dark Lord hated your parents. Your parents represented everything he hated."  
  
Snape was right, what could he say. The clock said five-forty-five. He had just over two hours before he needed to be at breakfast. Picking up his stuff to leave, Severus stopped him near the door.  
  
"There's one more part to this story, Potter. You seem to be reveling in the fact that your parents really were as good as everyone said – you should love this part."  
  
The words were full of anger but Snape's eyes gave away his pain. Still without speaking, Harry sat back down in his seat. Severus returned as well, to sit across from him.  
  
"So, you know I joined the Death-Eaters. I worked very hard to be successful with my new 'family'. In the mean while, James did marry Lily. Our grandparents didn't disown him, they were too busy disowning me to care that James married a muggle. This is where the end of our story begins. To belong to the inner circle of Death-Eaters, there are certain special requirements. I received my invitation shortly after the New Year began in 1979. I had only one task to complete -- I was expected to lead the raid on a wizard family. I would join the Dark Lord's inner circle by killing James Potter's parents."  
  
"My grandparents? But you couldn't, my grandmother was your aunt."  
  
"Your grandmother was the closest thing I had to a mother after mine died. I knelt before the Dark Lord and swore my allegiance -- and scheduled the raid for February First.. . ."  
  
" . . . I don't believe . . . you couldn't . . . No. . . "  
  
"Don't interrupt, Potter. This is not a time I enjoy talking about and your interrupting only prolongs my suffering. That night, I picked only the best to accompany me. I needed it to go quickly. The only peace I had was that behind the mask of a Death-Eater, no one would know it was me. That night would have gone off perfectly if your father hadn't apparated in just as I was getting ready to apparate out. His auror training took over and I was in a full-body bind before I knew to react. Ignoring the fact his parents were dead mere feet from where we stood, he came over and removed my hood. He never expected it was me underneath. --- I waited; certain he would kill me on the spot. Instead he started to cry."  
  
Severus slowly held his breath. He added yet another memory to the swirling dish and then stood up and walked away. He was not going to give Harry Potter the satisfaction of watching him fall apart.  
  
Harry instantly recognized his father. He was crying. There were two motionless bodies in the corner of the room and Severus Snape.   
  
James knelt down next to his cousin, still racked with tears. "Are you okay, Severus?"  
  
The question made no sense. It was pretty obvious he hadn't been the victim in this particular tragedy. He couldn't believe the pain in James's eyes. Not waiting for an answer, James continued. "Is it worth it? Did killing my parents give you the power and the fame you seek? Who's next? Me? Lily? Grams? How 'bout your own father?"  
  
"I'm next. James. Please kill me. I just killed your parents?"  
  
"I won't help you commit suicide. Why not go back to your precious lord Voldemort and give him the good news. Maybe Voldee would appreciate a souvenir. Maybe you'd like to bring him my mum's body. 'Look, oh wonderful, powerful Lordy I've killed James Potter's mother – oh woops, I killed my own aunt at the same time."  
  
The joking tone of his cousin's voice infuriated and hurt him at the same time. "Damn it, do you take this to be funny?"  
  
"Funny? You think I should find it funny that you killed my parents to impress your friends? My mother loved you like a son. Maybe you've forgotten that. I wish I could let Lily see just how pathetic you are. She still believes you have goodness in your heart – I don't think she understands that you have no heart."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Biting his lip, Severus met James's angry gaze. "I have no choice – no way out. If you ever cared, just kill me. I deserve it."  
  
"We both know you have a choice. The only people in this room who are out of choices are my parents. You and I can make choices. It's our last choice that matters. Severus, I'm going to go over and grieve for my parents and while I'm preoccupied, the Death-Eater who killed them is going to escape. That's my choice, a choice I'll have to live with." James watched as he effectually ended his career working for the Ministry of Magic. Severus apparated out of the room.  
  
Harry looked at his Potions professor. The pain was written all over the older wizards face. For the first time in his life, Harry saw a man much closer to the real Severus Snape. "My dad let you go." It wasn't really a question as much as a simple statement.  
  
"You simple, silly boy. Your father did many things that night – letting me go was not one of them. I left you father and realized I had no where to go. I wound up in the living room of your parent's house. I was obviously expected because when I arrived I was greeted by Lily and James – and Dumbledore."  
  
"My parents' house? The same house they died in?"  
  
Snape looked at the boy and nodded. "The same house. As the three people I least wanted to see stood in front of me, I broke. I collapsed into you father's arms and sobbed. I grieved for his parents the same way I grieved for my own mother, that night at Hogwarts. James never let go. The two of us sunk to the floor and your mother rapped her arms around both of us. I realized at that moment your father had been right – it is our final choice that matters most."  
  
The emotion in the room was palpable. There was so much Harry wanted to say but none of it could form on his lips. Before Harry could find his voice, Severus sat down next to the boy.  
  
"The Dark Lord picked James Potter's parents to be the glue that cemented my soul to his darkness. Your father had a much different plan. Your horrible, selfish father wouldn't even let me lose my own soul. The Ministry of Magic charged me with being a Death-Eater and with the murder of Eamon and Lindsay Potter. Dumbledore vouched for me, your father stood in front of the Ministry and admitted that he didn't know the Death-Eater who killed his parents and I walked back to the Dark Lord with my soul and a new mission."  
  
Harry finally found his voice, "Did you know Volde . . .the Dark Lord was going to kill my parents – was going to try to kill me?" He looked away afraid of the answer.  
  
The former Death Eater couldn't look the boy in his eyes. "Harry, I have never loved two people more than I loved your parents . . ." Severus met the young boy's eyes and held the gaze before continuing. "I know you probably find it incredibly hard to believe that I could love anyone – especially James Potter, but it is true. I've told Albus a thousand times that I'd have died myself if I knew I could have saved your parents. The attack on your parents did not involve a single Death-Eater. I found out about the attack from Albus. I was here on that horrible night. I couldn't even grieve. The world believes I hated your parents – I couldn't exactly attend the funeral. I wasn't even allowed to know where you were hidden. You weren't the only person who became an orphan that night; I lost the only family I had as well. Your parents were murdered, my grandmother died of a broken heart, blaming me for your father's death with her final breath and Dumbledore hid you away. I've spent the last sixteen years pretending to hate James Potter. I didn't have to pretend to hate myself. I saw you for the first time, the night you were sorted. I couldn't even react. Instead, I waited for my ironic hell – I had to stand up and teach Lily Potter's son Potions – to see the boy who could have been my cousin up close for the first time."  
  
This statement surprised Harry. From the look on Snape's face, it surprised him too. The surprise wore off quickly. It was replaced by all too familiar contempt. "Fifty points from Gryffindor for keeping me awake all night. It is now seven thirty in the morning. You are expected to be at breakfast in the hall in thirty minutes. At this moment, your little friends in Gryffindor are waking up to find that sainted Harry Potter has not slept in his bed. You will not mention anything we discussed this evening. In ninety minutes, Harry Potter and his band of merry men will stroll into my dungeon and expect me to teach them something. What answer will you give them?"  
  
"Fifty points? I won't tell them anything. Mostly people have stopped caring what Freaky Potter's doing this week. Ron and Hermione already knew I had an Occlumancy lesson last night – I'll just tell them that 'Bloody Snape made me practice all night because he's a freakin' monster. Combine that with the points I've lost, no one will ask any more questions."  
  
Severus returned the smile to his face briefly. Standing up, he headed for one of the cabinets at the back of the room and removed two vials. He unstoppered one of the vials and passed it towards Harry. He eyed both the vial and his Potions Professor with intrepid fear.  
  
"Potter, if I were going to kill you would I really stay up all night telling you things I'd much prefer to never relive and then drink the same potion? It is equal to eight hours of sleep. Consider it to be the magical equivalent of a muggle double espresso without the needless twitching." Snape unstoppered his own vial and drained it in one gulp. Seeing his professor drink the vial, Harry drained his as well and handed it back to his professor. As the effects of the potion spread through his body, Harry felt instantly better – more awake. Severus met the boy's eyes, "the irony, Potter, is that the potion you just drank was the first successful potion your mother taught me to brew that wasn't specifically in the Hogwart's curriculum. We'd stayed up all night working on brewing antidotes and I was dead tired. As the sun came up, she taught me this. --- Another ten points from Gryffindor for making me feel something. Now, damn it, Potter, get out of my dungeon."  
  
Harry smiled in spite of himself. "Thank you, Professor. You could have let me believe any of the horrible things I left here believing. Thank you and I'm sorry. I apologize for violating your pensive." Turning towards the classroom door, Harry stopped briefly. "When I beat the Dark Lord for good, I'm going to find my dad's cousin. I'd really like to get to know him better – I get the feeling that deep down he's a pretty good guy."  
  
"Get out Potter, I can't take many more points from Gryffindor." Snape turned away and didn't watch as Harry left. The boy-who-lived. The boy who was a perfect combination of two of the most infuriating people he'd ever loved. Only his mother's son would accept Severus Snape as family. Lily could still touch his heart. Harry was so like his mother. Still smiling, Severus looked at nothing in particular – "One hundred points to Gryffindor . . ." 


End file.
